Liveblogging Dune (1984)

Been a while since I've done one of these. In anticipation of the upcoming two-part remake of Dune by Denis Villeneuve, let's go back 35 years ... my god, 35 fucking years ... and revel in the many famous faces who graced this beloved SF classic's first strange and wonderful appearance on the silver screen.

0:08 Even the studio logo is in space. Very immersive. 

0:37 EYES

You know, there are lots of ways you can subtly deliver infodumps as part of the narrative without boring your audience: Make it organic to the scene; embed it in the action; make it matter to what is happening on the screen.

Or you could be director David Lynch, and have a giant space princess's disembodied head just fucken hammer you with that shit for two minutes straight while maintaining incredibly uncomfortable eye contact. Fuck you, cinema conventions.

0:52 "A beginning is a very delicate time" -- which is presumably why I'm going to freak you out by giving you this background in the most awkward and ham-handed manner imaginable.

1:18 Oop, looks like we lost the Starz+ Premium channel there for a sec. Whew, she's back again. 

1:48 "Oh yes, I forgot to tell you..." NO YOU DID NOT. Nobody believes you're ad-libbing this robotic little speech, princess. Quit straining for casualness when we can see your eyes scanning the space teleprompter. 

2:26 lol, I'm reading YouTube's auto-generated captions: "The planet is Arrakis, also known as Julie." 

Smash cut to the movie title: 

J  U  L  I  E

3:65 Well, those were some lovely credits, featuring the entire extended De Laurentiis clan. Must be time for another infodump. At least this one has pretty space planet graphics.

4:35 We travel to the space emperor's space palace, which appears to be somewhere on the set of the original Blade Runner. 

6:14 What's in space fashion in the galactic capital in the year 10,191 AD? Ah, black plastic garbage bags! 

7:22 See kids, this is what happens if you overdo the spice. Turns you into a floating scrotum. Just say no to life-prolonging, mind-expanding, time-and-space-altering drugs! And to floating scrotums.

8:57 We're on infodump #3 and counting, but this one's handled ever so marginally better by having two characters at least speak to each other. Of course, one of them is a vagina-mouthed ballsack, but still. 

10:32 lol again with the captions: "We must look at Paul Atreides. To Canada!" Always knew the messiah would be one of us. 

Side note: the space guild dudes are all bald and wear black, the space witches are bald and wear black ... Why does everyone in the far future look like goth Hare Krishnas?  

Anyway, the Spice Girls head to Waterworld, with a brief stop for infodump #4.

12:26 This looks like the setup for the funniest joke in the galaxy: "Captain Picard, Dean Stockwell cosplaying as an Indian woman and the winner of the 10,191st Annual Bushiest Eyebrows in the Galaxy walk into a bar... "

... and the punchline: "I'd know the difference!" (Cue laugh track, because it's the 80s)

13:21 Oh boy, you know you messed up bad when even Captain Picard wants to cut you.

13:32 A titanic fight breaks out between two rejected CG graphics from the original TRON movie.

17:43 Of all the changes to the original story that this movie made, "The Atreides secret weapon is screaming at things" is easily one of the most biz ... actually no, this is pretty par for the course. 

19:04 Duncan Idaho! Book fans will remember him as the man who gets cloned like a billion times so he can have sex with all the Atreides descendants. Movie fans will struggle to remember who the hell this guy is.

19:25 The captain from Das Boat, looking much more chipper now. 

28:02 THE PAIN. You know, if all it takes to prove you're the Superman is putting up with a nasty sunburn for 30 seconds, boy, imagine what a man who can step on a Lego without crying could be capable of. 

29:28 Captions are at it again: "A man will come, the wizard Cedric." 

Yes, the Canadian wizard Cedric, from the planet Julie.

30:53 It's Grima Wormtongue after he licked an electrical socket. Seriously though, the number of famous faces in this movie is phenomenal. 

33:03 So this movie took out the complex politics, planetary ecology and ruminations on fate and eugenics, and instead gave us: Sting in a latex codpiece. 

A fair trade, I suppose.

37:08 Pug dog.

38:01 PUG DOG. I've known of this dog's existence for less than a minute, yet I would die for it. Kill for it. 

38:27 Ahhh, the Spacing Guild spacing ship has a wonderfully baroque sense of scale to it. Obi-wan: "That's no cigar, that's a space station!"

Also: Pug dog.

40:00 So the floating larva-slash-brain thing spits up a planet or two and that's how to travel across the galaxy. Wait a sec though, if that's only possible because of the spice that's found only on Julie, how did humanity ever explore the galaxy far enough to find it? Guess that's why it took 10,000 years or so.

Speaking of time, good lord it's been 40 minutes and we aren't even on Julie yet. 

41:26 Fun fact: I think this woman is also a De Laurentiis. They're everywhere. They could be anyone. It could be you!

42:04 Pug dog.

43:46 I love this scene of the elite, crack squad of Atreides troopers lining up to fill their water bottles like spectators at a sports stadium. I've never empathized with background extras more in my life.

44:37 Another famous face--this time it's the bad guy from Strange Brew! I think Max von Sydow may have done some other stuff, but I hope that's the movie he'll always be remembered for. Either that or Conan the Barbarian. Max, I salute you! (Weird: I was thinking "Oh he looks much younger in this movie" then checked his bio, and my gravel-voiced man was already 55 back then.) 

I'm being a sarcastic ass here, but love, love, love the visual style and design work on this movie. The H R Giger gimp suits are just wild. It's going to be interesting to see how the Villeneuve movie is going to establish its own look, since this is just so original and iconic and whoah.

46:12 "Urine and feces are recycled in the thigh pads" and now I'm just thinking about the galactic superman drinking his own pee, thanks.

56:52 When the edible kicks in. 

59:07 It's so cool they were able to turn the weird little gadget woman from The Incredibles into a real human being. 

1:04:53 Did the murder-doctor really just stick a new tooth in that man's mouth using only his bare, unwashed hands? Oh, he really is evil. Somehow, being bugged about not flossing doesn't seem so bad now.

1:05:34 Oh no, the palace is being bombarded. No, not puggsly! RUN, PUG, RUN!

1:06:32 BattlePug to the rescue! Oh, it's all over for you bitches now.

1:09:07 I think the guard Piter is talking to is supposed to be deaf (to stop Jessica using her Jedi mind tricks on him) which means he's using an incredibly efficient sign language in which *touch ear lobe* means "take them to the desert so the bodies won't be found." 

Hyper-efficiency in communication is all well and good, but could lead to all kinds of miscommunication: 

Piter: *sneezes*
Guard: Detonate the atomic bombs? Very good sir.

1:15:34 The Peter Pan remake is wild.

1:24:35 It's the mark of a strong mother-son bond that you can take the time to discuss things. Such as the aroma produced by a 500 ton homicidal earthworm trying to battering ram its way into your hideout.

1:25:05 I know it's 1984, but the effects for Paul "falling" are just embarrassing. Flail your arms out a bit, Kyle. Thanks, fantastic. This will look great.

1:27:31 Jessica captures the Fremen leader Stilgar using the "Weirding Way." Part of her "Bizarro Training" by the "Looney Tune Sisters" on the planet "Shit's Whack Yo". 

1:30:44 Sean Young then shows up, confirming my theory that Dune is set in the Blade Runner CU. 

1:32:29 And there it is. The most famous crossover codpiece in music-cinema history since David Bowie jumped into a pair of tights. 

Serious comment time: We're about 2/3 of the way through this movie and we've only just finished Act I. While I'm tempted to blame Lynch for the idiosyncratic pacing and front-loading all the worldbuilding into the first 10 minutes, I think this is also the challenge of Dune as a work of filmic entertainment: All the tension comes at the beginning. Once Paul becomes an omniscient superman leading an army of invincible desert savages there really isn't much drama. 

1:36:22 Milking a cat and then you drink the milk? It's like someone read a cat owner's manual back to front.

1:36:57 Ah, Paul in love with a woman he met 7 minutes ago. See, this is the problem with pacing. 

"He who can destroy a thing controls it" is rather a dark philosophy isn't it. 

1:41:39 Ah but now, this is a cool shot and I can see why they put it on the posters: Paul walking down a dune, a line of Fremen watching silently behind. No joke there. It's just cool.

1:47:04 Montage with Voice Over: "And then the other 66% of the story happened." 

1:47:57 While we're all happy to see Picard again, WHERE IS THE PUG? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE PUG TELL ME IT WAS OKAY

1:50:15 "I have to drink the water or I'm dead!" Very true, Paul. Absolutely. Stay hydrated.

1:55:05 "The sleeper has awakened!" he shouts but I'm not buying it. This is supposed to be a climactic character moment before the final showdown, but what does Paul achieve? What did drinking the water actually do or change, why was it necessary? Right now it looks like he had a nice drink and a nap, had a weird dream and then declared everything was different. But he was already the messiah, already had an entire planet of fanatic soldiers under his control. So. What gives?

2:05:49 Climactic battle somewhat undercut by never having the opposing forces in the same effects shot. 

The sound weapon thing is odd, too. I think they invented it to avoid having to explain Herbert's idea that the elite forces of history have often been bred through severe environmental conditions (though I'm not convinced... the Greek phalanx, the Roman legions, the Mongols, the British redcoat all owed more to tactical innovation and training than to be raised on the rough). But the net result is a very detached and uninvolving battle, capped by a bizarre death for the big bad baron.

2:09:29 The final showdown is a duel with Sting's Feyd-Rautha, but without the background provided by the book (Feyd is also a potential Kwisatz Haderach) it's hard to see how the guy has any chance, or why he should be the final boss when he hasn't really done anything evil all movie. 

Unconvincing fight choreography too. Very stilted, awkward. They're supposed to be doing the "slowly edging the knife closer" trope, but Kyle's got his arm in the wrong place and you can see Sting should be able to easily knife him in a second. 

And the climax: FOR HE IS THE WIZARD CEDRIC! 

Hm. Visual design impressive, iconic, original, all that great stuff, but pacing is just awful, very drawn out intro and rushed ending, plus lots of weirdness thrown in to avoid explaining any of the finer points of the book. Like I say, I think the challenge for Villeneuve will be to make the second half interesting--how do you make a story about an all-seeing messiah engaging? In the book, it's most about Paul's internal struggle to chart a path that won't be TOO monstrous, but I wonder how they'll put that on screen.

6/10 though 5 of those points go directly to the pug

Liveblogging The Addams Family

Here we are again. At first, I thought this might seem a little mean-spirited, making fun of a comedy (it's SUPPOSED to be daft), but let's see how well this 1991 movie has aged...

1:00 carolers? This movie already as creepy af
Wait if they are caroling, why the hell they facing AWAY from the house? Literally unwatchable.
5/7

1:35 *snap snap*
The old boiling oil on the besiegers gag. Just like we used to do ... In the Crusades!
I hope the fuck-off huge scary-looking dude was not typecast as a huge scary-looking dude
(checks IMDb) Well, better luck in the next incarnation, my physically terrifying friend.

2:00 Ooh Christina Ricci.
Oh right she's like 40 now.
And was 12 then.
But in the middle there guys, mmmhmm.
 
3:11 Credits finally over ... Are long credits at the start a 90s thing? Have we as a species evolved beyond that?
Phoned-in credits too, font doing all the heavy lifting. Blow a bit of dry ice smoke, good enough, it's the 90s, these idiots will watch anything.
They can't even beat Saddam Hussein properly ffs
 
3:24 Motorboating grandfather clock. Now that's class.
 
4:22 Ah, disembodied hand, allow me to stand here and explain the backstory, even though you'd already know it.
The only story I know about Raul Julia, the only story I NEED to know is that he would later appear in a Street Fighter movie while dying of cancer, simply because his son loved SF and he wanted to go out on a movie his son would love.
He's like an early Keanu Reeves, only mortal
 
4:27 Christina Ricci! Rawr!
No wait she's still 12 here. Delete, delete
 
5:57 Despite their oddness, they're quite relatable characters really. He seeks to blot out the sun forever, just as I do
 
9:55 I feel like the movie keeps pausing you let you laugh. Only I don't.
I haven't laughed since mother died.
Shit was hilarious.
 
11:54 Pedophilia jokes, ho ho. You couldn't do that in this economy.
"Fine lunge, but your riposte, tut tut."
Dude just stabbed your chair and fell down Addams, WHAT RIPOSTE?
Literally unwatchable. 6/8
 
16:26 One liner. Indifferent action. One liner. Sight gag. One liner.
 
24:47 Keep waiting for Christopher Lloyd to shout "1.21 gigawatts!"
 
27:12 I don't want to know why the disembodied hand was in his room all night, or why he's got such a big smile on his face
 
36:20 Okay the electric chair bit was funny. Even I can appreciate a bit of cruelty to children.
 
54:48 Pyhyonesque combat sequence. It's like if Tarantino did a kid's movie. And how the hell is there still 40 minutes of movie.
 
57:00 Why'd the movie stop for a softcore sex scene? Because 90s G.
 
1:00:32 And now a Bollywood dance number. Movie is treading water.
 
1:04:00 Kenny from South Park puts in an appearance. Think It just said "I'm an admirer of Hitler".
Strong stuff for a PG movie.
 
1:08:00 Ok 'nother dance number, this time a cossack dance. It ain't treading water, it's drowning.
 
1:10:16 One minute he's chasing the daughter, then just like forgets and gets his sovietski groove on.
THIS ISN'T S8 OF GAME OF THRONES WE DEMAND CONTINUITY
 
1:20:40 He got a hand job. GET IT, A HAND JOB. AHAHAHAHA. Also he just rammed a stack of FedEx boxes up some lady's skirt.
 
1:34:12 1.21 Gigawatts!!!
Necromancy is a perfectly valid school of magic.
 
1:35:25 Hmm, overly long, reliant on sight gags and one liners. Would've worked better as some sort of visual medium, such as a prewar comic strip
 
8/11

Liveblogging Krull

My unsolicited commentary on Conan was such a roaring success* that I've decided to follow it up by bringing to you, for the first time ever in history, my real-time reactions to the 1983 blockbuster "Krull"! Watch along above, read along below.

*One guy commented on it. 

0:47 The score is Jon Williamsing for all its worth, but it's spoiled by the silly murder fidget spinner they got flying all over the screen. 

1:03 LIAM NEESON
Is the only recognizable name. 

1:31 Reusing not only the score but also the sets. The movie appears to be set on Tatooine.

1:59 Krull has the exact same opening sequence as Star Wars, minus all that boring spaceship-battle pyew pyewing but with extra flying-mountain-thingy going on.

OK intro, but needed more faceless people galloping aimlessly about the countryside. 

4:13 Even by the outlandish standards of the 80s the princess has a truly tremendous mass of hair. I would like to see her wield it, Medusa-like, as a weapon. Possibly by smothering her enemies within her bounteous locks.

Also the castle gate appears to be secured with a giant aluminum boomerang.
That's going to COME BACK to haunt them later. Ahaha. Ho ho. Moving on.

5:38 The prince appears to be a wimpier Star Lord. A creepier Chris Pratt.

Ah, time for the space nazis to attack. They appear to have laser guns built into the hilts of their swords. 'Why not skip the sword and just have a far easier-to-use laser gun,' you ask, BECAUSE YOU ARE A FOOL.

I'm guessing there's a reason rifles put the bayonet on the end facing away from you and toward the enemy but oh if I could only think why...
Commit inadvertent seppuku from the recoil every time you fire. That might be it.

12:06 Whoops, prince Pratt is dead. The end. Directed by George Lucas, etc.

BUT WAIT. He's not dead, merely shirtless. Sideburns Gandalf is here to save him, and ogle his voluminous chest hair.
Seriously, this guy and the princess's kids are going to be the most hirsute people in the galaxy. 

14:30 THERE IS NO TIME OR ACTING ABILITY FOR GRIEF!
Sidewhiskers Gandy is giving him shit for not getting over the death of his father in under 20 seconds. 

If I had an ultimate weapon, I'd keep it somewhere a little more accessible than the top of the highest mountain in the country. You know?

The music SWELLS as our hero ... does a bit of not very difficult free climbing. Trumpets BLARE as he ... avoids a rockslide by not moving at all. Epic stuff.

He does stick his hand right into a pool of magma, I'll give him that though. 

22:08  Traveling by glowing red firework leaves a little to be desired if you ask me. 

OK, the wizard is basically Jar Jar Binks. Got it. I hate it, but I got it. 

25:25 So does the bad guy's castle (Castle Black, how original) fly or teleport? Seems like one would be redundant if you can do both. 

27:13 L I A M  N E E S O N

Prince Pratt is trying to brazen his way out, but the bandits aren't having it. Liam doesn't know who you are. Or what you want. What he does have is a set of skills. 
And an axe, and a stylin' chin beard.  

34:41 For help, they've gone to speak with Irish Dumbledore. We get it dude, you're into green. 

39:00 Bad guys just conveniently chillin' in the swamp ambush our heroes. 

Quick suggestion bad guys: If you have ranged weapons and your opponents don't, how about NOT charging them? Just a thought. 

And why do they explode like R2D2 and slugs come out of their heads when hit? Oh right, because it's fantasy and they don't gotta explain shit.

41:23 Quicksand starts sucking one dude under. "It is the power of the Beast!" 

No, you drunken Irish tit, it's a SWAMP.  

Honestly, if it wasn't for Cyclops dude, these heroes would be forked. 

43:16 This is getting out of hand. Now there are two of them. 

Cyclops to the rescue again. Pretty good aim, despite the whole lack of depth perception thing.

59:42 Sideburndalf keeps pulling McGuffins out of his arse. Here's a superweapon, here's a seer, here's a wise woman in a web. 

The Beast is shown able to blow someone literally off the screen via Skype chat so, um, why not just do that to the good guys? Save yourself some trouble, hey. 

65:04 Ah, and now the McGuffin Stallions. Of course. 

67:01 Not an equestrian expert or anything, but those horses look pretty damn average to me. Think they blew the budget on R2D2 sound effects. 

69:01 "Imma stay here and die," says the Cyclops. Of what, boredom? You're in the middle of a peaceful, idyllic valley mate. 

So THAT's what it looks like* when you fast travel in a video game. More budget blown on Fire even more disappointing than an island party for influencers. Ha. Topical joke already out of date. Ah then they ET it. Why not, at this stage.

*Painfully obvious blue screen and the frame rate slightly sped up. 

73:55 Invest in some freaking bows, guys. 

Ah, but here comes the one-eyed Leeroy Jenkins.

Leroy Jenkins.

Oh no, wait, that'd be one-eed instead of one-eyed. Ahaha.

Thank you, I'll be here ... forever, really.

76:03 Noooooo. Not Neeson! There must be some mistake. THIS ISN'T SEAN BEAN YOU IDIOTS. Let him live to the end. So sad, he was only 66. 

More budget blown on dodgy architecture. Honestly, what is it with fantasy architects and potentially lethal bridges? 'Oh sure I'll build you a castle, evil overlord. Gonna stick a bunch of murder-bridges in it tho.'

That explains it though. No money left for bows.

84:49 Aha! Good ol' magma hand. Knew that would come in handy (har!) some day. Just as well, as the magic superweapon turned out to be super good at nearly getting everyone killed.

Though I don't quite get how the prince is able to do this. 'We kissed once, so now your hand is a flamethrower.' 

... and we end with burning a hole through solid stone and anti-gravity explosions. Sure. Why the fuck not.

'Their children will rule the galaxy' sounds waaay more threatening than they intended. I mean, I didn't vote for them. Maybe this is the Star Wars prequel we deserved.

Uhhh.

Mishmash of genre cliches and tropes/10

Gets several billion bonus points for a young Liam Neeson, but blew them all on shoddy special effects and backwards-pointing bayonets. Not recommended.

Rocketeer next?

Liveblogging Conan the Barbarian

The full movie of Conan the Barbarian is available on YouTube (link above), so I watched it and posted my reactions and thoughts in real time. This is easily the dumbest idea I've ever had for a post on this site, so of course I had to do it. There is no earthly reason for you to read this and watch along, but ... sorry, can't think of anything. 

Ready? Then let's begin:

0:26 First thing on the screen is Nietzsche: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." This movie is already metal as fuck. 

1:03 An 8/10 opening credits. Only Arnie and JEJ get billing.
Voice over! Ugh. 

2:00 Forging a sword. Now we're LITERALLY being metal.

4:25 Conan's dad gives him THE talk. You know the one. About Crom and the gods, against a majestic bluescreen. But wait! Is his dad Kris Kristofferson?
No. No he isn't.

OH NO THE VILLAGE IS BEING ATTACKED BY GWAR. 

7:20 Dude has a horned helmet. Extra metal points right there. For badass barbarians, the Cimmerians sure went down like little bitches. Big hammer dude is awesome though. 
10:29 Led by Evil General Lemmy. 
11:32 That hair, James Earl. It's magnificent.  

14:30 Narrator: 'Why did they do it? Eh. Who the fuck knows.' Thanks Narrator. Very helpful insight.

15:21 We have this task requiring extreme physical strength. What type of slaves shall we get? Hmm. I know! Little kids! Nothing stronger than preschoolers. 
16:31 Especially if the preschooler is Arnie.
Is the thing he's pushing supposed to be a grindstone for flour, or have they just got kids pushing it for giggles? If it's a mill, why the heck is it in the middle of nowhere?

18:25 OK, now Arnie's a gladiator and his first opponent is ... Lord Humongous! Biggest crossover in cinematic history.

20:32 Leveling up his loot, Skyrim style. He's up to 'Steel' now. 

21:24 Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid makes a cameo. BIGGEST CROSSOVER IN CINEMATIC HISTORY. Wax on, wax off you idiot. (Slaps Arnie)
22:20 First boobies. Not very sexy ones, but boobies nonetheless. The 80s were a magical time.

24:01 The greatest monologue ever uttered in cinematic history. Ever.

34:41 So he screws the witch, she turns into medusa, so he kicks her into the fire and she becomes a cheap special effect. 
But hey, I'm not here to kink shame.
Whatever turns you into a flaming ball of light, baby.

35:27 Fun fact: Subotai was the name of Genghis Khan's best general. Dude seems pretty Hispanic for a Mongol, though.

37:08 We're now watching Lord of the Rings. Look at all this scenery we're jogging through!

39:44 Red light district. There's a llama. Why? No wait. I don't want to know. 
46:05 Arnie getting 'Nam flashbacks. Very PTSD. 

52:45 The other girl he screwed turned into a firework. This one just turned into a hungover drunk. Must have done it wrong, Arnie. 
It's King Max von Bit Part in Force Awakens.

I SALUTE YOU!

1:04:45 What is it with Arnie and raging Asian stereotypes? Here's another.
1:05:43 Arnie infiltrates the hippies by carrying a bouquet. 
1:08:10 And promptly murders a gay man. Subtle this movie is not.

Let's crucify this dude but not actually stick around long enough to see if he's dead because we're Bond villains, apparently. 

1:27:49 Getting ready for the KISS concert. 
So, is Conan technically a zombie now?

1:30:52 Thulsa Doom has the best orgies. I hope they brought enough mysterious green goop for everybody.

IT'S PEOPLE. The mysterious green goop is people. 
Everyone: Pretends to be shocked.

Sorry lady, you're name wasn't on the movie poster. No resurrection for you.


1:46:25 Okay, but this is basically the plot of Home Alone with sharp edges.
1:48:05 They've been preparing for like, a week. Has Max's daughter been chained to a rock the whole time? That's going to stink, man. 

1:54:06 Saved by Disco Valkyrie!

Some guy assassinates the leader of your murderous cult: 'Huh. Welp, guess we'll all go home now.' 
... and done.

Great 80s cheesefest/10. 
They should do one more Arnie Conan movie, but like Johnny Cash 'Hurt' Conan, looking back on his life, all the cult leaders he never found time to kill. I would cry.