The full movie of Conan the Barbarian is available on YouTube (link above), so I watched it and posted my reactions and thoughts in real time. This is easily the dumbest idea I've ever had for a post on this site, so of course I had to do it. There is no earthly reason for you to read this and watch along, but ... sorry, can't think of anything.
Ready? Then let's begin:
0:26 First thing on the screen is Nietzsche: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." This movie is already metal as fuck.
1:03 An 8/10 opening credits. Only Arnie and JEJ get billing.
Voice over! Ugh.
2:00 Forging a sword. Now we're LITERALLY being metal.
4:25 Conan's dad gives him THE talk. You know the one. About Crom and the gods, against a majestic bluescreen. But wait! Is his dad Kris Kristofferson?
No. No he isn't.
OH NO THE VILLAGE IS BEING ATTACKED BY GWAR.
7:20 Dude has a horned helmet. Extra metal points right there. For badass barbarians, the Cimmerians sure went down like little bitches. Big hammer dude is awesome though.
10:29 Led by Evil General Lemmy.
11:32 That hair, James Earl. It's magnificent.
14:30 Narrator: 'Why did they do it? Eh. Who the fuck knows.' Thanks Narrator. Very helpful insight.
15:21 We have this task requiring extreme physical strength. What type of slaves shall we get? Hmm. I know! Little kids! Nothing stronger than preschoolers.
16:31 Especially if the preschooler is Arnie.
Is the thing he's pushing supposed to be a grindstone for flour, or have they just got kids pushing it for giggles? If it's a mill, why the heck is it in the middle of nowhere?
18:25 OK, now Arnie's a gladiator and his first opponent is ... Lord Humongous! Biggest crossover in cinematic history.
20:32 Leveling up his loot, Skyrim style. He's up to 'Steel' now.
21:24 Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid makes a cameo. BIGGEST CROSSOVER IN CINEMATIC HISTORY. Wax on, wax off you idiot. (Slaps Arnie)
22:20 First boobies. Not very sexy ones, but boobies nonetheless. The 80s were a magical time.
24:01 The greatest monologue ever uttered in cinematic history. Ever.
34:41 So he screws the witch, she turns into medusa, so he kicks her into the fire and she becomes a cheap special effect.
But hey, I'm not here to kink shame.
Whatever turns you into a flaming ball of light, baby.
35:27 Fun fact: Subotai was the name of Genghis Khan's best general. Dude seems pretty Hispanic for a Mongol, though.
37:08 We're now watching Lord of the Rings. Look at all this scenery we're jogging through!
39:44 Red light district. There's a llama. Why? No wait. I don't want to know.
46:05 Arnie getting 'Nam flashbacks. Very PTSD.
52:45 The other girl he screwed turned into a firework. This one just turned into a hungover drunk. Must have done it wrong, Arnie.
It's King Max von Bit Part in Force Awakens.
I SALUTE YOU!
1:04:45 What is it with Arnie and raging Asian stereotypes? Here's another.
1:05:43 Arnie infiltrates the hippies by carrying a bouquet.
1:08:10 And promptly murders a gay man. Subtle this movie is not.
Let's crucify this dude but not actually stick around long enough to see if he's dead because we're Bond villains, apparently.
1:27:49 Getting ready for the KISS concert.
So, is Conan technically a zombie now?
1:30:52 Thulsa Doom has the best orgies. I hope they brought enough mysterious green goop for everybody.
IT'S PEOPLE. The mysterious green goop is people.
Everyone: Pretends to be shocked.
Sorry lady, you're name wasn't on the movie poster. No resurrection for you.
1:46:25 Okay, but this is basically the plot of Home Alone with sharp edges.
1:48:05 They've been preparing for like, a week. Has Max's daughter been chained to a rock the whole time? That's going to stink, man.
1:54:06 Saved by Disco Valkyrie!
Some guy assassinates the leader of your murderous cult: 'Huh. Welp, guess we'll all go home now.'
... and done.
Great 80s cheesefest/10.
They should do one more Arnie Conan movie, but like Johnny Cash 'Hurt' Conan, looking back on his life, all the cult leaders he never found time to kill. I would cry.
