The Witcher (Netflix series)

Title: The Witcher
Created by: Lauren Schmidt Hissrich (based on the novels by Andrzej Sapkowski)
Network: Netflix

3.6 (Not great, not terrible) / 5

In the first big fantasy series since the end of Game of Thrones, monster-hunter-for-hire Geralt of Rivia (Henry Cavill) finds his simple life increasingly complicated by a relationship with restless, anarchic sorceress Yennefer (Anya Chalotra) and Cirilla (Freya Allan) a princess fleeing the invasion of her homeland. 

Overall, this show felt more frustrating than anything else, as there's gold here but it keeps getting smothered in dross. It's more Lord of the Rings than Game of Thrones, more Dungeons and Dragons than Lord of the Rings, cheaper than either though thankfully not quite Shannara Chronicles cheap. Despite some elements that work rather well--Cavill's swashbuckling especially--I don't think it does enough to really establish its own unique voice or presence and differentiate itself from other fantasy properties.

The action, as I said, is great fun to watch, both kinetic and balletic, and the big fights in Blaviken in episode 1, as well as at the court and with a monster called a "striga" later on, are collectively the high points of the show. Cavill does the brooding tough guy shtick with just enough charm to make him likeable, and Joey Batey as the bard Jaskier makes a good foil despite sometimes teetering over the line from amusing to annoying. The female leads are less well-served by the script, and I found Yennefer's motivations in particular seem to change about twice per episode.

The set, prop and costume design is competent if unspectacular, some of it good, some of it feeling plasticky and as thin as a Young Adult romance. The dialogue is worse, often opaque and gnostic (a line about flowers dying gets repeated N times but I still haven't the faintest what that's all about) or else jarringly anachronistic, such as when a queen refers to a formal ball as a "shindig." 

The structure is another area that needed a bit of honing. The adventures of the Mandalorian with a sword were fun, but honestly I felt too much time was wasted on Yennefer's backstory and Ciri's adventures, without the writers giving either character enough to do. The show cross-cuts among these three plot lines, without telling you they are actually happening at completely different times, which can be a bit baffling until about episode 4 when things fall into place. While it's nice that the show trusts the audience to pay attention and figure things out, even just a small hint, a line ot text like "five years later..." or whatever would have helped keep things straight.

Thematically, it's a bit vague. At first, I thought we were going to get a kind of rebuttal of Game of Thrones' theme that you have to be a bastard to survive in the real world: Geralt lives in a grim, grey world, yet still manages to be both practical and moral. But a lot of the stories feel lobomotimzed. Many of the adventures are drawn from "The Last Wish" collection of short stories, a series of deliciously twisted fairy tales that reflected on our relationship with myths and monsters. While the basics of the stories have been kept, most of the flavor has been lost. 

For example, in episode 1, Geralt is caught between a wizard and a vengeful bandit leader, each of whom try to hire him to kill the other. We see him refuse to take sides, then at the end he suddenly goes on a murder spree for no apparent reason. In the original short story, we learn that although the bandit is a good person who has done some terrible things, and their quest for vengeance is actually pretty justified. The wizard, by contrast, is a fairly awful person, but currently not harming anyone. That's an interesting dillemma, a sort of "trolley problem, but swords". But in the show, nope. It's just suddenly time to do some stabbing.

Similarly, in another episode Geralt is captured by fugitive elves who have been persecuted and driven from their homes by humans. In the original story, there's some soul-searching about the fact that yes, what happened to the elves was a crime, but murdering innocent humans is also a crime, and in any event no amount of fighting will ever make things the way they used to be again. Here? Wisecracks and abortion jokes, and then the elves let Geralt go because shrug. 

This narrative incoherence is capped by the climactic battle at the end of episode 8, where none of the geography works and I have no idea where any of the characters are in relation to one another from scene to scene. What the start of Last Jedi was to the end of Force Awakens, the end of the season was to its start. A rousing climax that truly made the audience say, "What?"

There's a fateful reunion that should feel impactful, but instead falls kind of flat. It just happens. Huh.

To me, this is kind of the killer, because without a theme or thrust or direction, you're kind of left wondering what the point of it all is. 

So I think the bones are good, the foundation is solid, I just wished Netflix had been able to construct something a bit more solid on top of it. 

The Rise of Skywalker

Title: The Rise of Skywalker

Directed by: J.J. Abrams

Story by: Derek Connolly, Colin Trevorrow, J.J. Abrams, Chris Terrio

Nine movies and 40 years later, does it stick the landing? Well, I watched this movie less than 24 hours ago, and let me be honest, I’m struggling to remember a single thing about it. I came home and promptly watched a couple episodes of The Witcher series on Netflix (review coming soon). Stick the landing? Buddy, it barely registered before it skipped off into nothing. This movie is its own Force ghost.

The most fun I had with this movie is probably watching people online use it as an excuse to re-litigate The People vs. Rian Johnson for the billionth time in two years. And yeah, in many ways The Rise of Skywalker feels like it’s trying to escape The Last Jedi’s shadow, to the movie’s great discredit and detriment.

With one director helming parts 1 and 3 and another steering part 2, now more than ever the trilogy is a bit of a meandering mess. Online commenters either take this as vindication or insult to whatever stance they had regarding The Last Jedi, but honestly to me looks more like a multimillion dollar version of the joke writing assignment where one wants to write about a woman drinking tea and the other about a space invasion.

New elements from The Last Jedi that promised a different course for the series (anyone can be a hero), are either quietly dropped or waffled. Rey’s parents were nobodies so anybody can be a hero but wait, she’s the Emperor’s grand-daughter so no it’s all about ancestry BUT WAIT AGAIN maybe Finn (John Boyega) can use the Force so let’s just hint at that and never do anything with it. I don’t know if the series needed a single director or writer, but at the very, very least, the absolute barest minimum, it needed some kind of agreement about what Star Wars actually is.

Admittedly, the plot of the original Star Wars trilogy is not without its obvious cracks and flaws as writers constructed the story while it was being built—Darth Vader being Luke’s father still feels like an ass-pull, as does Luke miraculously being Leia’s brother. But if nothing else, the series at least felt tonally and thematically consistent. Take what you want--youthful aspiration, the lure of adventure, the redemptive power of friendship and love--the core was always there.

Well, the sequel trilogy is hollow to its core. While The Last Jedi certainly had something to say (perhaps too much), all The Rise of Skywalker wants to say is “Wheee!” and occasionally “Remember this?”

The plot is a bit like listening to a breathless five-year-old playing with his action figures: This happens and then this happens and then THIS happens and BAM! BOOM! but then THIS happens and then... Everything is bigger! Louder! Better! What if Force lightning, but more?! Cuts between scenes come at you at lightspeed, with barely a chance to register before we go hurtling off to the next scene. Nothing has any consequence. People appear to die but don’t three or four times, then one major one does actually bite the Force irretrievably, but nobody refers to this moment ever again. New characters are introduced then promptly disappear, there are a series of magic things that are needed to find other magic things which are lost but then immediately retrieved.

It’s not a movie capable of withstanding a single “Why?”

It’s all of the narrative incoherence of Abrams with very little of the visual verve. Abrams used to be good, at the very least, at imparting his goofy space adventures with some spectacle, but this time even shots that should make you go “Wow!”—skipping among planets at lightspeed, an underground ice cavern chase, a massive fleet waiting in shadowy fog, the arrival of the cavalry—don’t because they’re barely there on the screen for three seconds. The final climactic showdown takes place on the Death Star and space battle er, on an evil planet that is eternally night with bursts of lightning, and sadly pitch blackness isn’t really conducive to delivering impressive visuals.

There is an effort to impart the action with a sense of weight and finality, but as with much of this movie it is all text, zero texture. The reborn Emperor declares “I am ALL of the Sith!” and Rey counters with “And I am ALL of the Jedi!” and I don’t believe either of them because there’s no reason for me to. I don’t know what those words even mean. People agonize about killing this one mass murderer, but then happily mow down armored Stormtroopers we’ve established are actually brain-washed slave-soldiers. 

The one stab at a theme appears to be that all it takes is a courageous few to stand up to evil, that even just one voice of dissent can rally millions, but we’re just told that. Repeatedly. The actual rallying appears completely off-screen. In a straining effort to tie the nine movies all back together, it ends with a shot of one character on a planet she’s never been to, with talismans from one character who always wanted to leave it and another who was a prisoner there.

But for all that, I didn’t hate The Rise of Skywalker. It’s unoriginal, brainless, ephemeral, far too overstuffed to properly show off its own spectacle, but I didn’t hate it.

Maybe all that Star Wars movies can be anymore is vehicles for nostalgia, and maybe I can live with that. It was kind of nice to see Mark Hamill again, however briefly, and Carrie Fisher, however awkwardly, and even Harrison Ford, however gnostically.

As Ben Solo/Kylo Ren, Adam Driver remains one of the best things in the new series, imparting a bit of the Han Solo cockiness into his character. The new trio of Daisy Ridley, John Boyega and Oscar Isaac have glimpses of energy and chemistry, despite their scenes being kind of Death Star cannoned by the runaway plot. I just wished they had been better served by the story and edit. Boyega in particular I could have watched an entire movie about—he’s got the only interesting backstory, and the actor oozes fun, charm and charisma. I would love a story about ordinary people in the Star Wars universe rising to the moment to become heroes.

But if I never get it, that’s okay. I didn’t think I was getting any more Star Wars after Return of the Jedi, but then the prequels happened. I didn’t think we were getting more after that, but then Rogue One, Solo and this trilogy. I’m okay if we don’t get any more. I’m okay if we do.

The Rise of Skywalker doesn’t especially feel like the end of anything. That’s okay, too.

“Remember this?” I sure do, movie. I sure do. I probably won’t remember you, movie, but the feeling of Star Wars? I’m never going to forget.

Liveblogging Dune (1984)

Been a while since I've done one of these. In anticipation of the upcoming two-part remake of Dune by Denis Villeneuve, let's go back 35 years ... my god, 35 fucking years ... and revel in the many famous faces who graced this beloved SF classic's first strange and wonderful appearance on the silver screen.

0:08 Even the studio logo is in space. Very immersive. 

0:37 EYES

You know, there are lots of ways you can subtly deliver infodumps as part of the narrative without boring your audience: Make it organic to the scene; embed it in the action; make it matter to what is happening on the screen.

Or you could be director David Lynch, and have a giant space princess's disembodied head just fucken hammer you with that shit for two minutes straight while maintaining incredibly uncomfortable eye contact. Fuck you, cinema conventions.

0:52 "A beginning is a very delicate time" -- which is presumably why I'm going to freak you out by giving you this background in the most awkward and ham-handed manner imaginable.

1:18 Oop, looks like we lost the Starz+ Premium channel there for a sec. Whew, she's back again. 

1:48 "Oh yes, I forgot to tell you..." NO YOU DID NOT. Nobody believes you're ad-libbing this robotic little speech, princess. Quit straining for casualness when we can see your eyes scanning the space teleprompter. 

2:26 lol, I'm reading YouTube's auto-generated captions: "The planet is Arrakis, also known as Julie." 

Smash cut to the movie title: 

J  U  L  I  E

3:65 Well, those were some lovely credits, featuring the entire extended De Laurentiis clan. Must be time for another infodump. At least this one has pretty space planet graphics.

4:35 We travel to the space emperor's space palace, which appears to be somewhere on the set of the original Blade Runner. 

6:14 What's in space fashion in the galactic capital in the year 10,191 AD? Ah, black plastic garbage bags! 

7:22 See kids, this is what happens if you overdo the spice. Turns you into a floating scrotum. Just say no to life-prolonging, mind-expanding, time-and-space-altering drugs! And to floating scrotums.

8:57 We're on infodump #3 and counting, but this one's handled ever so marginally better by having two characters at least speak to each other. Of course, one of them is a vagina-mouthed ballsack, but still. 

10:32 lol again with the captions: "We must look at Paul Atreides. To Canada!" Always knew the messiah would be one of us. 

Side note: the space guild dudes are all bald and wear black, the space witches are bald and wear black ... Why does everyone in the far future look like goth Hare Krishnas?  

Anyway, the Spice Girls head to Waterworld, with a brief stop for infodump #4.

12:26 This looks like the setup for the funniest joke in the galaxy: "Captain Picard, Dean Stockwell cosplaying as an Indian woman and the winner of the 10,191st Annual Bushiest Eyebrows in the Galaxy walk into a bar... "

... and the punchline: "I'd know the difference!" (Cue laugh track, because it's the 80s)

13:21 Oh boy, you know you messed up bad when even Captain Picard wants to cut you.

13:32 A titanic fight breaks out between two rejected CG graphics from the original TRON movie.

17:43 Of all the changes to the original story that this movie made, "The Atreides secret weapon is screaming at things" is easily one of the most biz ... actually no, this is pretty par for the course. 

19:04 Duncan Idaho! Book fans will remember him as the man who gets cloned like a billion times so he can have sex with all the Atreides descendants. Movie fans will struggle to remember who the hell this guy is.

19:25 The captain from Das Boat, looking much more chipper now. 

28:02 THE PAIN. You know, if all it takes to prove you're the Superman is putting up with a nasty sunburn for 30 seconds, boy, imagine what a man who can step on a Lego without crying could be capable of. 

29:28 Captions are at it again: "A man will come, the wizard Cedric." 

Yes, the Canadian wizard Cedric, from the planet Julie.

30:53 It's Grima Wormtongue after he licked an electrical socket. Seriously though, the number of famous faces in this movie is phenomenal. 

33:03 So this movie took out the complex politics, planetary ecology and ruminations on fate and eugenics, and instead gave us: Sting in a latex codpiece. 

A fair trade, I suppose.

37:08 Pug dog.

38:01 PUG DOG. I've known of this dog's existence for less than a minute, yet I would die for it. Kill for it. 

38:27 Ahhh, the Spacing Guild spacing ship has a wonderfully baroque sense of scale to it. Obi-wan: "That's no cigar, that's a space station!"

Also: Pug dog.

40:00 So the floating larva-slash-brain thing spits up a planet or two and that's how to travel across the galaxy. Wait a sec though, if that's only possible because of the spice that's found only on Julie, how did humanity ever explore the galaxy far enough to find it? Guess that's why it took 10,000 years or so.

Speaking of time, good lord it's been 40 minutes and we aren't even on Julie yet. 

41:26 Fun fact: I think this woman is also a De Laurentiis. They're everywhere. They could be anyone. It could be you!

42:04 Pug dog.

43:46 I love this scene of the elite, crack squad of Atreides troopers lining up to fill their water bottles like spectators at a sports stadium. I've never empathized with background extras more in my life.

44:37 Another famous face--this time it's the bad guy from Strange Brew! I think Max von Sydow may have done some other stuff, but I hope that's the movie he'll always be remembered for. Either that or Conan the Barbarian. Max, I salute you! (Weird: I was thinking "Oh he looks much younger in this movie" then checked his bio, and my gravel-voiced man was already 55 back then.) 

I'm being a sarcastic ass here, but love, love, love the visual style and design work on this movie. The H R Giger gimp suits are just wild. It's going to be interesting to see how the Villeneuve movie is going to establish its own look, since this is just so original and iconic and whoah.

46:12 "Urine and feces are recycled in the thigh pads" and now I'm just thinking about the galactic superman drinking his own pee, thanks.

56:52 When the edible kicks in. 

59:07 It's so cool they were able to turn the weird little gadget woman from The Incredibles into a real human being. 

1:04:53 Did the murder-doctor really just stick a new tooth in that man's mouth using only his bare, unwashed hands? Oh, he really is evil. Somehow, being bugged about not flossing doesn't seem so bad now.

1:05:34 Oh no, the palace is being bombarded. No, not puggsly! RUN, PUG, RUN!

1:06:32 BattlePug to the rescue! Oh, it's all over for you bitches now.

1:09:07 I think the guard Piter is talking to is supposed to be deaf (to stop Jessica using her Jedi mind tricks on him) which means he's using an incredibly efficient sign language in which *touch ear lobe* means "take them to the desert so the bodies won't be found." 

Hyper-efficiency in communication is all well and good, but could lead to all kinds of miscommunication: 

Piter: *sneezes*
Guard: Detonate the atomic bombs? Very good sir.

1:15:34 The Peter Pan remake is wild.

1:24:35 It's the mark of a strong mother-son bond that you can take the time to discuss things. Such as the aroma produced by a 500 ton homicidal earthworm trying to battering ram its way into your hideout.

1:25:05 I know it's 1984, but the effects for Paul "falling" are just embarrassing. Flail your arms out a bit, Kyle. Thanks, fantastic. This will look great.

1:27:31 Jessica captures the Fremen leader Stilgar using the "Weirding Way." Part of her "Bizarro Training" by the "Looney Tune Sisters" on the planet "Shit's Whack Yo". 

1:30:44 Sean Young then shows up, confirming my theory that Dune is set in the Blade Runner CU. 

1:32:29 And there it is. The most famous crossover codpiece in music-cinema history since David Bowie jumped into a pair of tights. 

Serious comment time: We're about 2/3 of the way through this movie and we've only just finished Act I. While I'm tempted to blame Lynch for the idiosyncratic pacing and front-loading all the worldbuilding into the first 10 minutes, I think this is also the challenge of Dune as a work of filmic entertainment: All the tension comes at the beginning. Once Paul becomes an omniscient superman leading an army of invincible desert savages there really isn't much drama. 

1:36:22 Milking a cat and then you drink the milk? It's like someone read a cat owner's manual back to front.

1:36:57 Ah, Paul in love with a woman he met 7 minutes ago. See, this is the problem with pacing. 

"He who can destroy a thing controls it" is rather a dark philosophy isn't it. 

1:41:39 Ah but now, this is a cool shot and I can see why they put it on the posters: Paul walking down a dune, a line of Fremen watching silently behind. No joke there. It's just cool.

1:47:04 Montage with Voice Over: "And then the other 66% of the story happened." 

1:47:57 While we're all happy to see Picard again, WHERE IS THE PUG? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE PUG TELL ME IT WAS OKAY

1:50:15 "I have to drink the water or I'm dead!" Very true, Paul. Absolutely. Stay hydrated.

1:55:05 "The sleeper has awakened!" he shouts but I'm not buying it. This is supposed to be a climactic character moment before the final showdown, but what does Paul achieve? What did drinking the water actually do or change, why was it necessary? Right now it looks like he had a nice drink and a nap, had a weird dream and then declared everything was different. But he was already the messiah, already had an entire planet of fanatic soldiers under his control. So. What gives?

2:05:49 Climactic battle somewhat undercut by never having the opposing forces in the same effects shot. 

The sound weapon thing is odd, too. I think they invented it to avoid having to explain Herbert's idea that the elite forces of history have often been bred through severe environmental conditions (though I'm not convinced... the Greek phalanx, the Roman legions, the Mongols, the British redcoat all owed more to tactical innovation and training than to be raised on the rough). But the net result is a very detached and uninvolving battle, capped by a bizarre death for the big bad baron.

2:09:29 The final showdown is a duel with Sting's Feyd-Rautha, but without the background provided by the book (Feyd is also a potential Kwisatz Haderach) it's hard to see how the guy has any chance, or why he should be the final boss when he hasn't really done anything evil all movie. 

Unconvincing fight choreography too. Very stilted, awkward. They're supposed to be doing the "slowly edging the knife closer" trope, but Kyle's got his arm in the wrong place and you can see Sting should be able to easily knife him in a second. 

And the climax: FOR HE IS THE WIZARD CEDRIC! 

Hm. Visual design impressive, iconic, original, all that great stuff, but pacing is just awful, very drawn out intro and rushed ending, plus lots of weirdness thrown in to avoid explaining any of the finer points of the book. Like I say, I think the challenge for Villeneuve will be to make the second half interesting--how do you make a story about an all-seeing messiah engaging? In the book, it's most about Paul's internal struggle to chart a path that won't be TOO monstrous, but I wonder how they'll put that on screen.

6/10 though 5 of those points go directly to the pug