Friday, June 7, 2019

Liveblogging The Addams Family




Here we are again. At first, I thought this might seem a little mean-spirited, making fun of a comedy (it's SUPPOSED to be daft), but let's see how well this 1991 movie has aged...

1:00 carolers? This movie already as creepy af
Wait if they are caroling, why the hell they facing AWAY from the house? Literally unwatchable.
5/7


1:35 *snap snap*
The old boiling oil on the besiegers gag. Just like we used to do ... In the Crusades!

I hope the fuck-off huge scary-looking dude was not typecast as a huge scary-looking dude
(checks IMDb) Well, better luck in the next incarnation, my physically terrifying friend.


2:00 Ooh Christina Ricci.
Oh right she's like 40 now.
And was 12 then.
But in the middle there guys, mmmhmm.
 

3:11 Credits finally over ... Are long credits at the start a 90s thing? Have we as a species evolved beyond that?
Phoned-in credits too, font doing all the heavy lifting. Blow a bit of dry ice smoke, good enough, it's the 90s, these idiots will watch anything.
They can't even beat Saddam Hussein properly ffs
 

3:24 Motorboating grandfather clock. Now that's class.
 

4:22 Ah, disembodied hand, allow me to stand here and explain the backstory, even though you'd already know it.
The only story I know about Raul Julia, the only story I NEED to know is that he would later appear in a Street Fighter movie while dying of cancer, simply because his son loved SF and he wanted to go out on a movie his son would love.
He's like an early Keanu Reeves, only mortal
 

4:27 Christina Ricci! Rawr!
No wait she's still 12 here. Delete, delete
 

5:57 Despite their oddness, they're quite relatable characters really. He seeks to blot out the sun forever, just as I do
 

9:55 I feel like the movie keeps pausing you let you laugh. Only I don't.
I haven't laughed since mother died.
Shit was hilarious.
 

11:54 Pedophilia jokes, ho ho. You couldn't do that in this economy.
"Fine lunge, but your riposte, tut tut."
Dude just stabbed your chair and fell down Addams, WHAT RIPOSTE?
Literally unwatchable. 6/8
 

16:26 One liner. Indifferent action. One liner. Sight gag. One liner.
 

24:47 Keep waiting for Christopher Lloyd to shout "1.21 gigawatts!"
 

27:12 I don't want to know why the disembodied hand was in his room all night, or why he's got such a big smile on his face
 

36:20 Okay the electric chair bit was funny. Even I can appreciate a bit of cruelty to children.
 

54:48 Pyhyonesque combat sequence. It's like if Tarantino did a kid's movie. And how the hell is there still 40 minutes of movie.
 

57:00 Why'd the movie stop for a softcore sex scene? Because 90s G.
 

1:00:32 And now a Bollywood dance number. Movie is treading water.
 

1:04:00 Kenny from South Park puts in an appearance. Think It just said "I'm an admirer of Hitler".
Strong stuff for a PG movie.
 

1:08:00 Ok 'nother dance number, this time a cossack dance. It ain't treading water, it's drowning.
 

1:10:16 One minute he's chasing the daughter, then just like forgets and gets his sovietski groove on.
THIS ISN'T S8 OF GAME OF THRONES WE DEMAND CONTINUITY
 

1:20:40 He got a hand job. GET IT, A HAND JOB. AHAHAHAHA. Also he just rammed a stack of FedEx boxes up some lady's skirt.
 

1:34:12 1.21 Gigawatts!!!
Necromancy is a perfectly valid school of magic.
 

1:35:25 Hmm, overly long, reliant on sight gags and one liners. Would've worked better as some sort of visual medium, such as a prewar comic strip
 

8/11

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