Liveblogging Krull

My unsolicited commentary on Conan was such a roaring success* that I've decided to follow it up by bringing to you, for the first time ever in history, my real-time reactions to the 1983 blockbuster "Krull"! Watch along above, read along below.

*One guy commented on it. 

0:47 The score is Jon Williamsing for all its worth, but it's spoiled by the silly murder fidget spinner they got flying all over the screen. 

1:03 LIAM NEESON
Is the only recognizable name. 

1:31 Reusing not only the score but also the sets. The movie appears to be set on Tatooine.

1:59 Krull has the exact same opening sequence as Star Wars, minus all that boring spaceship-battle pyew pyewing but with extra flying-mountain-thingy going on.

OK intro, but needed more faceless people galloping aimlessly about the countryside. 

4:13 Even by the outlandish standards of the 80s the princess has a truly tremendous mass of hair. I would like to see her wield it, Medusa-like, as a weapon. Possibly by smothering her enemies within her bounteous locks.

Also the castle gate appears to be secured with a giant aluminum boomerang.
That's going to COME BACK to haunt them later. Ahaha. Ho ho. Moving on.

5:38 The prince appears to be a wimpier Star Lord. A creepier Chris Pratt.

Ah, time for the space nazis to attack. They appear to have laser guns built into the hilts of their swords. 'Why not skip the sword and just have a far easier-to-use laser gun,' you ask, BECAUSE YOU ARE A FOOL.

I'm guessing there's a reason rifles put the bayonet on the end facing away from you and toward the enemy but oh if I could only think why...
Commit inadvertent seppuku from the recoil every time you fire. That might be it.

12:06 Whoops, prince Pratt is dead. The end. Directed by George Lucas, etc.

BUT WAIT. He's not dead, merely shirtless. Sideburns Gandalf is here to save him, and ogle his voluminous chest hair.
Seriously, this guy and the princess's kids are going to be the most hirsute people in the galaxy. 

14:30 THERE IS NO TIME OR ACTING ABILITY FOR GRIEF!
Sidewhiskers Gandy is giving him shit for not getting over the death of his father in under 20 seconds. 

If I had an ultimate weapon, I'd keep it somewhere a little more accessible than the top of the highest mountain in the country. You know?

The music SWELLS as our hero ... does a bit of not very difficult free climbing. Trumpets BLARE as he ... avoids a rockslide by not moving at all. Epic stuff.

He does stick his hand right into a pool of magma, I'll give him that though. 

22:08  Traveling by glowing red firework leaves a little to be desired if you ask me. 

OK, the wizard is basically Jar Jar Binks. Got it. I hate it, but I got it. 

25:25 So does the bad guy's castle (Castle Black, how original) fly or teleport? Seems like one would be redundant if you can do both. 

27:13 L I A M  N E E S O N

Prince Pratt is trying to brazen his way out, but the bandits aren't having it. Liam doesn't know who you are. Or what you want. What he does have is a set of skills. 
And an axe, and a stylin' chin beard.  

34:41 For help, they've gone to speak with Irish Dumbledore. We get it dude, you're into green. 

39:00 Bad guys just conveniently chillin' in the swamp ambush our heroes. 

Quick suggestion bad guys: If you have ranged weapons and your opponents don't, how about NOT charging them? Just a thought. 

And why do they explode like R2D2 and slugs come out of their heads when hit? Oh right, because it's fantasy and they don't gotta explain shit.

41:23 Quicksand starts sucking one dude under. "It is the power of the Beast!" 

No, you drunken Irish tit, it's a SWAMP.  

Honestly, if it wasn't for Cyclops dude, these heroes would be forked. 

43:16 This is getting out of hand. Now there are two of them. 

Cyclops to the rescue again. Pretty good aim, despite the whole lack of depth perception thing.

59:42 Sideburndalf keeps pulling McGuffins out of his arse. Here's a superweapon, here's a seer, here's a wise woman in a web. 

The Beast is shown able to blow someone literally off the screen via Skype chat so, um, why not just do that to the good guys? Save yourself some trouble, hey. 

65:04 Ah, and now the McGuffin Stallions. Of course. 

67:01 Not an equestrian expert or anything, but those horses look pretty damn average to me. Think they blew the budget on R2D2 sound effects. 

69:01 "Imma stay here and die," says the Cyclops. Of what, boredom? You're in the middle of a peaceful, idyllic valley mate. 

So THAT's what it looks like* when you fast travel in a video game. More budget blown on Fire even more disappointing than an island party for influencers. Ha. Topical joke already out of date. Ah then they ET it. Why not, at this stage.

*Painfully obvious blue screen and the frame rate slightly sped up. 

73:55 Invest in some freaking bows, guys. 

Ah, but here comes the one-eyed Leeroy Jenkins.

Leroy Jenkins.

Oh no, wait, that'd be one-eed instead of one-eyed. Ahaha.

Thank you, I'll be here ... forever, really.

76:03 Noooooo. Not Neeson! There must be some mistake. THIS ISN'T SEAN BEAN YOU IDIOTS. Let him live to the end. So sad, he was only 66. 

More budget blown on dodgy architecture. Honestly, what is it with fantasy architects and potentially lethal bridges? 'Oh sure I'll build you a castle, evil overlord. Gonna stick a bunch of murder-bridges in it tho.'

That explains it though. No money left for bows.

84:49 Aha! Good ol' magma hand. Knew that would come in handy (har!) some day. Just as well, as the magic superweapon turned out to be super good at nearly getting everyone killed.

Though I don't quite get how the prince is able to do this. 'We kissed once, so now your hand is a flamethrower.' 

... and we end with burning a hole through solid stone and anti-gravity explosions. Sure. Why the fuck not.

'Their children will rule the galaxy' sounds waaay more threatening than they intended. I mean, I didn't vote for them. Maybe this is the Star Wars prequel we deserved.

Uhhh.

Mishmash of genre cliches and tropes/10

Gets several billion bonus points for a young Liam Neeson, but blew them all on shoddy special effects and backwards-pointing bayonets. Not recommended.

Rocketeer next?