Episode
3: “What if one superhero fought a different superhero?”
At
last, an episode that answers the timeless question Marvel fans have been
pondering for years—what if Marvel made a show about the Avengers?
Truly
groundbreaking stuff.
This
is one of those episodes that is all about superhero X getting into a fight with
superhero Y because, c'mon, Marvel has never been that great about creating
villains so having the heroes fight each other is about the only way to
generate any excitement or tension. Of course such fights always have to be
justified with a bit of narrative magic, so first we get The Pledge where it
seems like we’re getting a replay of the first Avengers movie, then The Turn,
in which all the Avengers suddenly start dropping dead in various unlikely
scenarios, then The Prestige, when it turns out to be some guy I don’t know
about because I never watched the Ant-Man movies.
All
of this is therefore leading up to the goofy fun of Loki beating up some old
man who is by turns extremely small and then extremely large.
There
are some jokes along the way about Chris Hemsworth having great hair and
smelling like lavender and sight gags like one superhero doing an impression of
the exploding ninja in “Big Trouble in Little China”, all of which kind of
undercuts any sense of seriousness or tension when superheroes start keeling
over faster than anti-vaxxers at a biker rally. Marvel is as quick as ever to
reassure you this is all just a bit of fun and not to take it too seriously.
Q:
What if one of the actresses asked for too much money to use her likeness?
A: Then
Black Widow would stand out as the only one that looks or sounds nothing like
her live action counterpart.
Q:
What if it was super-easy to kill all these superheroes?
A: That’s
the only thing that really stuck with me about this one to be honest. Like man,
Marvel villains must be incredibly incompetent. One old dude wiped the whole
team out in less than 30 minutes.
Q:
What if you did a comedy episode in which a bunch of people die?
A:
Huh. Then the way they die better be pretty amusing or darkly humorous, otherwise
the jokes are going to seem wildly out of place. Poisoned? Shot with an arrow?
Um, hate to tell you show, I ain’t laughing yet. Ironically the Hulk popping
like a giant grape was about the only funny one AND THAT WAS THE ONLY DAMN ONE
WHERE YOU HAD PEOPLE REACT WITH HORROR AND SADNESS.
Q:
What if two superheroes fight?
A:
Then you’d better have a damn good build-up to that fight or lots of fun
interaction between the characters, because as a plot that’s about as tired as
it gets. This one doesn’t do a half-bad job of it—the cracks about Chris’s
pretty-boy image aren’t bad even if tonally bizarre—and Tom Hiddleswagger is as
waggishly charming as ever. But it is, in the end, still just two guys
fighting, and “who would win” questions are the dullest possible ones to ask in
this genre.
Q:
Okay but what if Wolverine fought the Hulk?
A:
Did you even read … I can’t believe you … Wolverine, and it wouldn’t even be
close.
Q:
What if entertainment properties generally face a choice between Exploring
their concept and Exploiting their popularity, and the more the concept gets
tired and played out the more they lean on Exploiting it, such as by endlessly
rehashing old story lines with minor tweaks or bringing back Alfred Molina?
A: What
are you implying.
Q:
What’s not an answer.
A: That’s
not a question.
Q: Fair point. Maybe it’s time to stop.
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